The Mom Myth

There is a universal myth that mothers have been swallowing (after all, that’s what you do when you’re being spoon-fed) for what I can only imagine is centuries. It’s far reaching and resilient, as it has not yet been squashed. And, quite frankly, it’s killing us.

The myth goes something like: out there, somewhere, over the river and through the woods, lives a mother who always knows what she is doing and handles momming perfectly at all times. She is ever-patient, the epitome of maturity, energetic from dusk to dawn, OH…and her kids? They’re angels. She desires nothing more than to be with them 24/7.

You may be reading the above with a smug eyeroll thinking: we all know that isn’t even possible. But do we?

Maybe we've never met the embodiment of this mythical creature, but we’ve come to accept her existence. Whether it’s seeing her social media posts (making memories with her kids that are seemingly flawless & without contention), hearing about your friend's friend (who makes homemade elderberry syrup & takes her kids to food kitchens to volunteer every week), the realization that your parents never admitted to their wrongdoings at the time of your own childhood (as it was not common practice for that generation), or even from stories that have been handed down from family members (detailing their idyllic childhoods)…we’ve all come to believe in this myth.

Why else would we walk around shouldering guilt for our human reactions? Why would we feel shame when we do things for ourselves, like have a girls night or, ya know, take a bath? If we truly know (both logically and subconsciously) that the standard to which we are holding ourselves is a futile goal, why do we condemn ourselves to the constant emotional torture of a life spent wishing we could become more like the mythical mom?

This post isn’t for the crappy parents out there, for which there are many. Because, let’s face it, the moms that don’t give a $%?! aren’t the ones reading this blog. Delving into the hardships of motherhood head first isn’t exactly on the absentee parent’s to-do list. This blog is for those of us who are going above and beyond, stretched insanely thin, treading the waters of being present, and doing all that we can to give our kids the best lives possible. Every. Single. Day.

Being a mom is hard work. It’s probably the hardest work any of us have ever had to do. But, I think we may be making it even harder than it needs to be. We are believing the myth that someone else has the answers and that if we just knew them, we would be better. We are perpetuating the lie that things should always be easy and that ideal communication is even remotely probable while raising tiny humans with developing brains, all while being human ourselves. We are believing that others are able to go through life without making mistakes all the time. And potentially the worst of all, we believe in the bullsh*t of “balance.” The mother of all b words. Pun intended.

Balance is an idea that so many of us have been chasing for years. We believe that others (ie: the mythical creature I spoke about earlier) have achieved this state of being and that it’s up to us to figure it out for ourselves. Try harder. You'll get there. Eye roll. In my imagination, the mythical mom uses fairy dust and a wand to create this supposed balanced atmosphere for her life. That is how far-fetched this notion of “balance” is to so many of us. It's transient. It's mocking us. Quite frankly, it's rude.

Most of us know how to work. We also know how to be present/have fun with our kids. We know how to do laundry and dishes and how to pick up toys. We also know how to take a shower and how to drink a hot beverage before it cools, but let’s call a spade a spade: those things aren’t necessarily happening as much as we'd like. The cold hard truth for moms is: we have to choose. Either we drink the coffee while it’s hot or the kids get off to school on time. Either we shut ourselves in a room to get work done efficiently, or we tend to the kids’ needs. Either we read each kid 4 books before bedtime or we have enough energy to shower, do dishes, and fold laundry prior to hitting the bed. But balance? Pssssshhhhh. That’s the battle cry of the mythical mom and we need to let that word die so that we can free ourselves from the constant race to find it.

The quest for balance and the belief that we are somehow failing at this elusive existence is causing so many of us to drown. We drown in "not-good-enoughs" and in "I-can’t-take-anymores" and in “what’s-wrong-with-mes?” We search and search in the deep, dark waters of motherhood, but can’t seem to come up for air. All the while, an oxygen tank is right next to us and it’s labeled: you already are what you’re looking to become.

The bottom line is this: you’re human (I assume) and you will act like a human and react to things like a human and make mistakes like a human…all while raising children who are, wait for it, human. You being human gives you the chance to show them how a human should behave. Messed up and screamed at them? Sit them down, explain, and apologize. Didn’t follow through on a well-intended promise? Be forthright about why and give expectations for the near future. Ignored an excited child because you were too busy with something else? Take the time to stop (when you’re able) and ask for the exciting news again…then perform your most ecstatic reaction for the big announcement. And as far as the b word goes, just remember: be there when you’re there. At work/working from home? BE THERE. At home or on an outing with the kids? BE THERE. Out with friends? BE THERE. This seems like the most simple advice in the entire world, but creating boundaries for the different areas of your life is mandatory for mothers juggling it all. And that house of yours…it’s probably going to be messy, at least sporadically. Just keep in mind that the mythical mom’s house is a wreck, too. Either that or it’s spotless and her kids don’t know who she is. Can’t have it both ways.

The days are going by faster and faster; if you are in my season of life, your children are rapidly growing and their childhoods are in full swing. Don’t waste a damn second on comparing yourself to some mom whose life is just as complicated and messy as yours. Don’t spend another minute feeling guilty for not being “perfect” when there isn’t a single soul on this planet who can claim perfection. Don’t forget what matters. It isn’t your perfectly clean house or your perfectly balanced schedule; it’s the people you’re raising. Imagine what they might do in the world if they see that their mother is human, and that even on days where everything seems to be swirling with mayhem, she is there. For them. Always. Guilt doesn’t belong in homes like these. Leave that to the not-great parents who won't even read this blog ;)

Real humans > mythical moms. I promise.

Moments of our very human life: