SAY YES

“NO!” “SIT DOWN!” “DON’T DO THAT!” “STOP!” “JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

The lyrics to the song of motherhood for so many of us. They’re words we repeat on the daily, and we occasionally insert hooks that go something like: “stop fighting with your brother!” and “if you do ___ one more time…!” It’s about as fun to listen to as Sarah McLachlan during those pet adoption commercials. Tears. Lots of tears.

And the hard truth is: it doesn’t have to be this way. Now, as a fellow mom who gets stuck in this song often, I’m as offended as you are by the former sentence. How dare I tell you that you’re making it harder than it needs to be?! Sometimes, hearing something hard is what is needed to move forward and on to more contentment.

Study after study shows that play, silly time, and humor with parents has numerous benefits to both kids and to the exhausted adults raising them. And yet, it’s probably the area that most of us are not prioritizing. We are sure to hit our marks with discipline, house rules, mealtime behavior, manners, chores, homework etc., but somehow, the single-most important area is what we just can’t find time/energy for. After all, after we’ve spent hours reprimanding, breaking up fights, and correcting behavior, who has energy left for play?

Gary Ross Maslow, professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University has said that “just five minutes of horsing around” can have massive impacts on the behavior and wellbeing of our children. In a thesis, he states that humor can actually be “therapeutic for children, building resilience against adversity, warding off disappointment, and expanding cognitive capacity.” WHOA! But wait, there’s more…

Shannon Bennett is a professor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine and said something I found profound: “just because parenting is a serious business is no reason to be serious about it all the time. Taking time for a moment of levity with your child during your daily routine means you’re making it a priority.” She states that this, in turn, makes children feel important, loved, and prioritized by their parents.

To be completely honest, the more I researched the science of FUN, the more I knew it to be true, innately. When I’m having silly, playful, fun time with my kids, I can feel the connection deepening. I leave the experience refreshed and joyful, and so do they. I notice that when I make time for these seemingly inessential experiences, no matter how short, everyone involved leaves better than they came.

It's no wonder that the countries that give their schoolchildren more outdoor and free playtime actually achieve higher academically. Norway, Switzerland, Japan, and Scotland are the countries with the most time spent outdoors in school settings and, not-shockingly, they are also the countries that are out-performing most others in academics and literacy. Ask any teacher if rhymes, games, or other uses of “fun” can help children memorize and learn and you’ll hear a resounding: YES. If we know that incorporating play can positively affect the brain, and numerous studies have proven the importance of laughter and humor, why aren’t we focusing more on this aspect as a parenting tool? Why are we not seeing that this just might be the missing piece in our disciplinary systems? Why aren’t we making our lives easier?

I saw a graphic several years back that said: “say yes as much as you can” and it struck me. The graphic had tons of little sayings (I’ll post it below) that were sweet and that made my creative brain flow, but “say yes as much as you can” was a bit of a gut punch when I read it. Cooper and Libby were toddlers and I felt like all I did as a parent was tell them no, lose my patience, and reprimand. That was my job, after all. But, I wasn’t happy. And I felt like something was off. I knew that both my children and I were craving something more, and after seeing the graphic, I decided that I would attempt to say yes more often. One evening shortly after making this decision, Cooper took the Tupperware out of the cabinet while I cooked dinner. YAY, another mess for me to clean up! I initially went to yell “NO!” and instead, I let him take a couple Tupperware containers and even gave him a spatula and large spoon to play with as well. He was thrilled and played for the rest of my time cooking, which left us both feeling appeased. It didn’t hurt me any to say yes to his curiosity and desire to play. Yes, I had to clean them afterwards, but that seemed like a small price to pay for the joy both he and I experienced.

I understand (well) that it isn’t always possible to say yes and that things like routine and discipline are crucial to a child’s prosperity, however, so is shared lighthearted interaction. So. Is. Play. In fact, according to the United Nations High Commission for Human Rights, play is so optimal for child development that it is considered to be a human right. This is listed in the child labor laws, as a child’s right to remain a child is crucial. Pediatric specialists, cognitive development professionals, and psychologists agree that fun time with parents is undeniably crucial for developing confidence, social skills, and a meaningful relationship with caretakers. So before you write off this point, take into consideration the benefits to your child’s development and mental health. Oh…and it’s also pretty fantastic for your health also. I can list off all of the studies and quotes from knowledgeable experts, but it’s likely that you already know this to be true in your heart. How did you feel the last time you belly-laughed with your kid? Have you ever regretted time spent bonding with your child? When you look back on your fondest memories with your family, what were you doing? The answers likely point to silly, playful time being good for your soul. I know this is certainly true for me. Times spent laughing and singing and dancing and being utterly joyful and silly have saved me in the midst of feeling like I’m failing as a mother and drowning in the difficulty of it all. It’s a moment of respite that we often deprive ourselves, and then we wonder why we are stressed beyond measure.

Recent things I've said YES to...just because I knew it was 1) harmless and 2) going to bring the kids tons of JOY. Sleeping on the floor of their room (all together) instead of in their own beds; Putting on PJs as soon as they got home from school (since we had nowhere to be); Having a dance "competition" where each child chose a song & performed; Family movie night...on a school night (partial & ended early); Eating pizza on the couch with sheets covering the couch to keep clean; Allowing them to unbuckle & stick their heads out the windows as we drove up our very long driveway. Just to name a few. These were things that could have been easy NO's, as they don't align with our normal "routine," however, it was just as easy to say YES & to let the kids enjoy these random, fun experiences.

As I’ve said, not all of our time can be spent in this state, of course. But, could we make an effort to spend more of our time with our kids doing things like dance parties, jumping in puddles, tickling, searching for stars, singing our hearts out with the windows down, laughing at funny videos, making up ridiculous songs, and getting down to their “level” in play? Could we say yes more often? Could we add more joy and fun and play and laughter into our family dynamic?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

For more well rounded kiddos and more mentally stable parents: SAY YES. Play. Belly laugh. Have fun. Be silly. And, most importantly, connect and bond with the little humans to whom you are the sun and the moon. You’ll be glad you did.

Xo, Em

original graphic I saved in 2016 -->